I, Me… looking for (a new) Irene

aankh band kar, jabhi tumhe dekhta hoon,
dil mein khushi aur aaknhion mein aasooon aatein hain
ahon main uthta hai beete lamhon ka dhuan..
yaadon main teri hum bheeg jaate hain

woh thard thardte honth, woh teri garm sansen,
mujhe madhosh kar jaati hain
aaj bhi teri aankon ke kinaaron pe rakhi…
woh bekhud si hansi mujhe khamosh kar jaati hai

inhi lamhon ko yaad karke,
yeh dil tumhe bhoolne ki koshish karta hai
koi dil ko bataye ki zindagi,
saasen aur dhadkan kya koi bhool sakta hai

is dil ko tootna hi to hai kabhi na kabhi…
tootega magar tujhe khushi dekar
humne jee li hai zindagi mohabbat main teri ..
ab sadiyon guzaar sakte hain tere jaane ka ghum sehkar….

Main jaanta hoon ke mere dil mein jo tadap uthi hai,
Tere dil mein uska ehsaas nahin.

Maana ke zindagi ke liye saans lena zaroori hai,
Tere bina, yeh to sirf ek sazaa toh hai.

Aih khuda ke mojza, tere bina zindagi mein sirf udasi hai,
Lekin wahaan tu uske saath khush toh hai.

Haan main khudgarz hoon,
Kyunki teri khushi mein hi toh meri ibadat hai…

iss dil mein bhi hasratein baki hai
teri wafa ka abhi karna hisaab baki hai
jo sawaal humari dil ki tadap ne hai puchhe
unki wafa mein likhna hisaab baki hai
siyahi sukh bhi jaye kal tere lautne tak
tu ghabrana nahi mere ragon mein lahu baki hai
iss zindagi ki khatm nahi kitaab yahin
panne dilchasp abhi palatne baki hai.

I keep waiting for the phone to ring
Yet I know it won’t be you;
I try to fill my life with busyness
Yet all I do is think of you.

What became of us
And all our dreams and plans;
How could you turn and walk away
As I watched our castles turn to sand?

Do you never even miss me
Don’t you long to caress my face;
How could you forget so easily
And You I can’t erase?

I want to be in your arms again
To see the laughter in your eyes;
But I guess the joke’s on me
And Oh! Was I surprised!

And so it came to be
this isolation that I am
I can only look to me
to find the way it all began -
this confusion, constant
hunger for something more than this
I strive to find this being
that I envision, yet seem to miss.
Could it be that I am empty-
or maybe a little lost?
Could it be that I am lonely,
or seek happiness at any cost?
This never-ending Something
that I am living deep inside,
depicts the illusion of myself
and all I have to hide.

Doc: “Your BP is at 133/83 which is okay, but your pulse is very high: 113. Anything bothering you?”

Me: “No doc. I’m good.”

Wait!
I cannot find the words.
Afraid? Alone? Numb?
Does anybody understand?

Old story book teller; lied.
Happily ever after was never real.
Never existed.
Just a false thought inside my mind.

But wait!
How do I go on without her?
Breathe? Walk? feel?
She doesn’t even care anymore.

I thought…
But maybe I was just wrong.

The wind is tossing the lilacs,
The new leaves laugh in the sun,
And the petals fall on the orchard wall,
But for me the spring is done.

Beneath the apple blossoms
I go a wintry way,
For love that smiled in April
Is false to me in May.

I wanted to write today… the words just failed to reach me…

My feelings and thoughts seem so locked up - I cant seem to express myself.

Pure confusion between pain and joy… I don’t even know what to feel